Jam session
What does Pearl Jam have to do with the 2006 NBA Playoffs?
More than you think. No successful musical artist has deeper NBA roots, with the possible exception of Toni Braxton. They launched the band in 1991 under the name Mookie Blaylock -- yes, they took the name of the former point guard -- even touring as Mookie Blaylock in the Seattle area before trademark issues forced them to switch names. As a consolation prize, they named their first album "Ten" after Mookie's jersey number. They appeared in the movie "Singles" along with then-Sonics star Xavier McDaniel. Two of the band members (Jeff Ament and Stone Gossard) regularly attended Sonics games during the glorious Kemp-Payton era, which ended up self-destructing almost as fast as Layne Staley.
Now their highly regarded comeback album (inventively titled "Pearl Jam") comes out May 2, as they look to break Bruce Springsteen's record for "Longest time between two great albums by the same artist." Coincidentally, the NBA is making a little comeback of its own, as the 2006 playoffs include nearly every marquee star, old and new -- Kobe, LeBron, Nowitzki, Carmelo, Duncan, Wade and Shaq, Arenas, Nash and Marion, Kidd and Carter, Ginobili and Parker, Brand and Gasol, all the Pistons guys, even Ron Artest -- as well as some genuinely compelling subplots (we'll get to them). With a little luck, this could become the most fascinating spring of basketball since 1993. You know, back when Pearl Jam was the biggest band in the world.
Can they both bounce back? That remains to be seen. During their "Saturday Night Live" appearance last Saturday, Pearl Jam sounded as good as ever -- a little older, a little wiser, completely in control -- and you would never have realized how much time passed since the band's first SNL appearance until you compared the hosts. (Back in 1992, when Pearl Jam brought the house down with "Alive," host Sharon Stone was fresh off her electric appearance in "Basic Instinct." Last week's host? Lindsay Lohan.) It's hard to imagine more likable members of a rock band -- their hearts were always in the right place; they avoided celebrity as much as they could; and they always valued their fans and their music over anything else. Nothing would make me happier than to see them pull off a major comeback. Except for an entertaining NBA playoffs, of course.
Anyway, in lieu of a preview, I'm handing out Pearl Jam lyrics to the featured players and teams for the 2006 playoffs:
1. One, two, three, four, five against one Five, five ... five, five ... five against one
To LeBron James. I know, I know, you thought this was going to be Kobe. But at least Kobe's supporting cast plays defense. At least those guys make open shots. At least they have a great coach. At least they have a second banana (Odom) who has been playing excellent basketball since the All-Star break.
On the flip side, I'm not sure what to make of this Cavs team -- the players can't guard anyone; their alleged "shooters" can't actually shoot; and Larry Hughes (who was supposed to play the Pippen/McHale/Worthy role here) has been banged up all season like he always is. On paper, they shouldn't even get past the Wizards in Round 1 unless LeBron pulls an "MJ against the '89 Cavs" on them. And even that might not be enough.
Of course ...
2. Spin, spin ... spin the black circle Spin, spin ... spin the black, spin the black ... Spin, spin ... spin the black circle Spin, spin ... whoa
My least favorite Pearl Jam song ever goes to my least favorite subplot of this and every other playoffs: The referees.
Take it from someone who attended 30-35 Clippers games in person this season and watched another kajillion NBA games on TV -- not only are the officials worse than ever, they favor the stars like never before. You can't even look cross-eyed at LeBron, Kobe or Wade in the fourth quarter of a playoff game without the refs whistling you for a foul (terrible news for Kurt Thomas, by the way). And if you don't think we're going to have about 500,000 embittered, furious, ranting-and-raving Wizards fans on our hands in about two weeks, you're crazy.
(E-mail of the week, courtesy of Brad in Potomac, Md.: "I am a huge Wizards fan and believe they match up pretty well with the Cavs. While the Wizards were 3-1 against the Cavs during the regular season, here is my analysis of the upcoming series: Dick Bavetta, Dick Bavetta, Dick Bavetta.")
3. Saw things ... saw things Saw things ... saw things Clearer ... clearer Once you Were in my ... Rearview mirror
This one goes to Shaq, who admittedly isn't the same guy from 2000-02 ... but I can't stomach one more alleged NBA expert making a "watch out for the Nets in Round 2 against Miami!" prediction.
Hey, here's an idea -- what about "watch out for Shaq?" Didn't anyone watch last year's playoffs? Who's guarding Shaq on the Nets? Jason Collins? Nenad Krstic? Come on. Even in the first stages of his semi-decline -- and by the way, nobody knows whether he's actually slipping or has been on cruise control since last June (which seems more likely) -- he's still a guaranteed double-team every time, as well as a 25-10 every night. There's only one way New Jersey hangs with the Heat: if Vince goes off every game and carries them, something he hasn't done for an entire playoff series in his entire career (and yes, he's 28).
(Speaking of Vince, everyone knows about Pearl Jam's ongoing problems with its record label and Ticketmaster, culminating in two recent albums that lacked the band's usual energy and explosiveness. After the band parted ways with that same label and went on its own, the new album was deemed by none other than Eddie Vedder to be "the best work we've ever done," leading some to believe that maybe, just maybe, the Pearl Jam guys were, um, saving themselves for their first post-Sony album. That's right, they might have pulled a Vince Carter on us. And just as a word of caution, don't ever mention this to one of the irrationally overboard Pearl Jam fans, because they will absolutely fight you to the death. In fact, let's forget we ever mentioned this.)
4. Is something wrong? she said Well of course there is You're still alive, she said Oh, and do I deserve to be? Is that the question?
To the Pacers, Bucks and Bulls, who snuck in with a combined record of 122-124 and are just crummy enough that I won't require you to watch even one minute of every first-round matchup in the East (not including Wizards-Cavs, which should be fantastic) unless Jalen Rose is prominently involved.
(One other prediction: The Pacers getting blown out by 30 points at home in one of the Jersey games, followed by Barkley making his annual, "Thass terrible, thass an embarrass-munt" speech and questioning the manhood of everyone on the team.)
5. And now my bitter hands chafe beneath the clouds Of what was everything? Oh, the pictures have all been washed in black Tattooed everything
Maybe the gloomiest Pearl Jam song ("Black") goes to the gloomiest playoffs subplot ... the looming possibility of another Pistons-Spurs Finals. I like watching both teams separately, just not at the same time, if that makes sense. Kinda like Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn.
(Random Pearl Jam note: When comparing PJ to the other defining bands of the past 25 years, you have to factor in its performance in "Singles," right? Name another rock band that brought something to the table in a good movie? Go ahead, name one, I dare you. And even if you can name one, who could top Eddie's "A compliment for us, is a compliment for you" moment, or the scene when they're watching the insect documentary? On the flip side, Kurt Cobain married Courtney Love and reproduced with her, and U2 gave us a "Rattle and Hum" documentary that gets inducted into the Unintentional Comedy Hall of Fame this July. Just remember to bring these points up in your next "Pearl Jam vs. Everyone Else" argument.)
6. Clearly I remember pickin' on the boy Seemed a harmless little [bleep] Ooh, but we unleashed a lion ... Gnashed his teeth and bit the recess lady's breast ... How can I forget?
To Kwame Brown, one of the true surprises of the past six weeks. Michael Jordan famously questioned his manhood in Washington. Phil Jackson questioned his manhood as recently as five months ago. So did every Wizards and Lakers fan who watched him on a regular basis. And then the Lakers stuck Luke Walton into the lineup, and he started getting Kwame the ball, and Kwame started trying a little, and then Odom started playing unselfishly and, suddenly, they looked like a real team -- did I tell you that Luke Walton would be an important pro, or did I tell you? -- and now Kwame plays hard every game and looks like a young Jermaine O'Neal. Only in the NBA.
(By the way, when I was in elementary school, we had the kid who threw chairs, as well as the kid who made weird voices and the kid who touched his own poop, but we never had the kid who bit the recess lady's breast. Think I would have remembered that one.)
7. I seem to recognize your face Haunting, familiar, yet I can't seem to place it
To every casual fan watching crunch time of a Nets game this spring who says to himself, "Man, that guy looks familiar. I swear, I know that guy. Where is that guy from? Wait a second ... is that Cliff Bleeping Robinson?!? Is that the Cliff Robinson from UConn? Good God, it is! It's Cliff Robinson!"
8. I wish I was the verb 'to trust' and never let you down I wish I was a radio song, the one that you turned up I wish ... I wish ...
And I wish the current playoff seeding system didn't suck so much.
Look, it doesn't bother me that the Clippers tanked the last two weeks, capped off by a bunch of phony injuries and Vin Baker starting in an alleged "must-win" in Memphis on Tuesday night, just so they could land the sixth seed instead of the fifth seed. What bothers me is that they would have been crazy not to tank. Seriously, why would any NBA team in its right mind rather play a 60-win team that owns it (without home-court advantage) over a 45-win team that it owns (with home-court advantage). If the only goal of an NBA team is to advance in the playoffs as far as possible, how can you fault the Clips (or anyone else) for tanking to create the best possible matchup?
(Easy way to fix this: Go back to two divisions, with the division winners making up the top two seeds in each conference, and home-court advantage for each series determined by record. Under this scenario, Dallas would have been the No. 3 seed in the West, gotten home court against the Phoenix-Lakers winner in Round 2, and wouldn't have faced the Spurs until the Western finals. Plus, Memphis and the Clips would have played hard Tuesday to avoid playing Dallas in Round 1. It's a no-brainer all around.)
9. All these changes taking place, I wish I'd seen the place But no one's ever taken me Hearts and thoughts they fade, fade away ...
To the Heat, who would have beaten Detroit last spring before Wade's bizarre injury, and then they mixed things up too much, and then Alonzo Mourning went down, and now the Shaq-Wade window is passing, but they're still destined for another showdown with the Pistons, only they don't have the horses, and they don't have the cap room to land a major player next summer, and they definitely don't have the draft picks, and then Shaq will be another year older, and you know the Cavs and LeBron will keep getting better, so it seems like maybe the window has already passed ...
(Of course ... )
10. Even flow, thoughts arrive like butterflies Oh, he don't know, so he chases them away
Hey, Pistons ... do you realize that you haven't suffered an injury to one of your core guys in three full seasons? Not even a badly sprained ankle? Seems weird for a team on pace for 320-325 games (including playoffs) in a 33-month span, right? Especially when you've had some luck the other way (Kidd's knee in 2004, Malone's knee in 2004, Wade's muscle pull in 2005), right? Unfortunately for Miami, this is its only real chance to make the Finals -- an injury to Billups, Hamilton, or one of the Wallaces.
(By the way, you need at least four bong hits before you can even begin to understand the lyrics to "Even Flow." Not that I would know or anything.)
11. Ooh, someday yet, he'll begin his life again Oh, whispering hands, gently lead, lead him away ... Him away ... Him away ... Yeah!
One of the best moments of any Pearl Jam concert -- the crowd screaming "Yeah!" along with Eddie near the end of "Even Flow" -- goes to the best media-related announcement of the 2006 playoffs: TNT hiring Jalen Rose as a sideline reporter for the next two months.
You know how I feel about Jalen: Just in the last 48 hours, he told The New York Times that he was stunned by the horrible Knicks season, explaining, "I put together our roster on NBA Live and we're pretty good," then described his new TNT gig to USA Today by saying, "I want to make the most of my college major in communications -- and being on a team that doesn't make the playoffs." Now he's going to be wearing crazy suits and interviewing players and coaches on live TV? I haven't been this excited since my buddy J-Bug told me Anne Hathaway got naked in "Havoc."
(I've pitched it before, I'll pitch it again: Why can't ESPN2 run the "Jalen Rose Show," with Jalen just doing the show out of his hotel room on the road every week -- along with a depressed Steve Francis as his hooded sweatshirt-wearing sidekick -- interviewing other players and teammates, doing man-on-the-street pieces, heading to various player's houses to check out their possessions and their cars ... it would be like a cross between "Wayne's World" and "Cribs." Come on, would you turn the channel if Jalen said the words, "And coming up, Tracy McGrady shows us his car collection!" Why couldn't a show like this ever happen? Have we ever figured that out?)
12. Drop the leash, drop the leash Get outta' my [bleeping] face!
This goes to my buddy, Camp. ... We were driving home from a bar one time; he was in Relationship Hell with whomever he was dating; he had more than a few in him; and then "Leash" came on and he immediately started belting out the lyrics with Vedder-like intensity from the backseat. You really had to be there. Anyway, I will always think of this as The Camp Song and could never award the lyrics to anyone else. But it needed to be in the column. So there.
13. I took a drive today Time to emancipate I guess it was the beatings Made me wise But I'm not about to give thanks Or apologize
To the Clippers, the Cinderella story of Cinderella stories (we covered this two weeks ago) ... and now they're looking at an exceedingly beatable Nuggets team in Round 1, followed by the hair-rising potential of the Lakers (if they can shock the Suns) in Round 2, which would be a classic "Weak Little Brother suddenly punching Strong Big Brother in the face" sports moment and potentially get the city of Los Angeles excited about sports for a change.
(Quick explanation of the comically one-sided, Clippers-Lakers rivalry, which was personified by the Clips clearing cap space for Kobe two years ago, then Kobe going back to the Lakers at the last minute: Clippers fans hate Lakers fans with a passion, but Lakers fans dismiss Clippers fans and take condescending approaches like "It's cute that you guys support such a joke of a franchise" and "It's cute that you guys think this is the year that the Clippers won't fall apart," which drives Clippers fans even crazier than they already are. You know those college cities where the townies detest the rich kids from campus, or a multicollege city where the kids from the lesser-respected college openly loathe the kids from the well-respected college a few miles away? That's how the Clippers fans feel about the Lakers fans. Pure hatred. They even have fights in the stands during Clippers games and stuff. I'm telling you, keep your fingers crossed for a Clippers-Lakers series -- if you ever wanted to see a fistfight between Frankie Muniz and Jack Nicholson, this is your chance.)
14. Everything has changed Absolutely nothing's changed
To Robert Horry ... no explanation needed.
15. And I listen, oh, for the voice inside my head Nothin', I'll do this one myself Oh, ah, and the barrel waits, trigger shakes Aimed right at my head, won't you help me Help me from myself
To the GM who ends up signing this year's version of Jerome James after the playoffs (aka, the underachieving free-agent-to-be who breaks a sweat and makes himself an extra $20 million to $30 million). Whatever happens with Bonzi Wells, Drew Gooden or Lorenzen Wright over these next few weeks, don't be fooled. You have been warned.
16. Walks on his own ... with thoughts he can't help thinking ... Future's above ... but in the past he's slow and sinking ... Caught a bolt 'a lightnin' ... cursed the day he let it go ... Nothingman.
To the poor Grizzlies, feel-good overachievers this season ... sadly, they're headed for their third straight sweep against a Dallas team that's a mirror image of the Grizz, right down to their style and their reliance on a foreign forward with goofy facial hair. Thanks for coming, guys.
(On the bright side, Mike Fratello receives more than 10 minutes of time in NBA TV's latest documentary, "The Most Ridiculous Hairdos in NBA History," which also includes a roundtable discussion on the 1987 Pistons-Celtics series that featured Larry Bird's blonde afro/mullet, Kurt Nimphius' curly trailer-park mullet, Bill Walton's bouffant, matching perms for Celtics coaches Jimmy Rodgers and Chris Ford and, of course, Dick Versace's removable snow-white afro/mullet that remains the single-most frightening haircut in the history of organized sports.)
